365 Challenge- Day #31 Grow

Day #31- Grow

“The Beauty of a Diamond~ through the eyes of a coach”  written by Dan Clouser

Dan is a friend of mine. A boss of mine. A mentor of sorts. He also employs my son. My son, Nick plays baseball for Dan for several years as well.

This book is a story about Dan, and how baseball has affected him personally and professionally. The life lessons it has taught him along the way. It is an easy, gentle read yet it’s message is heard loud and clear.

It was interesting to read it and shows how Dan grew from a naughty little teen aged boy into the quiet , unassuming man that I know him to be today. Dan is one of the most generous men that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He owns Berkshire Baseball. Berkshire Baseball “raises” young men and teaches them that life isn’t all about baseball. It teaches about character, too. Life lessons.

The past few weeks have been trying at best in this household. Our community lost a young man who decided he was left with no other recourse than to take his own life. To say it has not affected my own family would be a gross understatement. The weather here has given us a few minor inconveniences as well.

My son, Nick has never ever given us trouble. We have rarely had to discipline him.We have been so fortunate. But these past two weeks we have had our hands full. He has had some “growing pains.”He has not been thinking straight.  He has made some simple bad choices. He is a boy of great character and strength and I try to remember that once upon a time many a man, like Dan,  had been lost and found their way, too.  I know that he will get back on track. Boys do that. I read Dan’s book and several others like his when I need that reassurance.

I’ve never been a teen age boy ( haha) but I know that they grow and change and push a whole lot differently than girls do. The good news is that they do change, and carry on, and learn, and GROW.

Day #31. GROW.

 

 

 

The Sort of Hope Whose Son Is 17

Jan 5th will always be one of the most special days to me.

It is the day that I gave birth to my son, Nicholas Michael.

Last year, for his 16th birthday, I made him this video. It has taken me a whole year to figure out how to convert it from “just tv viewing” to other viewing. At the risk of someone complaining ” Well, there’s 12 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.” I do realize that videos like this are rarely appreciated by anyone other than the family involved. I enjoy viewing things like this for more than just face value. I like to watch the evolution of film. The evolution of photography, and of someone’s talent. I like to watch how a child evolves, too. I like to see how their friends have grown as well.  Sometimes, people just take things for what they are worth and forget to actually ‘look’ at them.

Anyway…

I’ve always said that my son is the sort of child that I could wake up at 2 am and he’d smile at me and say ” what do you need, mom?”  He’s truly my SONshine.  My constant source of strength. Nick is quiet, but he is funny.  He is a lot like his father in that way.  He is talented, smart and handsome. He is strong, but gentle. But don’t ask him to sing!

Nick will flash me his smile with his dimple and I feel like I want to hand him the world. ( If  only I could). He works hard. He has a goal and I admire his determination.

Nick was 4 when I got sick. He probably doesn’t even remember a healthy mom or the things we used to do together.  And that’s ok. We’ve done plenty of different things together since then. He’s also grown into a more compassionate, empathetic, understanding young man because of my condition. So in a way, I guess it’s not all a bad thing.

So, before I cry ( again),  Happy 17th birthday to the biggest and best surprise of my life.

#YOU_TODAY~ 365 Challenge

 

That’s me today.

I’m shocked! ~my son is turning 17 in just a few short days.

I’m baffled, I’m electrified. I’m energized. I’m in a whirlwind. I’m in a state of denial and disbelief.

I’m in a frenzy to get rid of Christmas and get ready to make a birthday celebration!

In less than 2 years he’ll be gone. College bound ( I hope!)

I’m a birthday fairy. I believe that just about everything in life should be celebrated. ( I know I blogged about this before…)

I decorate the house for birthdays. I allow the birthday child to pick their favorite foods for at least a week. I spoil them as rotten as I can and as much as they will allow.

So today that’s me.^ In disbelief. Spinning. Shocked..

If I could give some advice to all my friends who are still lucky enough to have those tiny voices and tiny hands at home it would be to slow it down. To not wish it away. Though I know there are days that you feel drag on forever, realize that they, too will be gone before you know it.

Wondering about his future. Incredibly grateful for our past together.

And so very happy that he came into my life. (*not pictured)

The Sort of Hope Who Lived in 2012

My how times have changed. Mike and I are enjoying a fabulous stir fry that I’ve prepared at home, our very quiet home and now the children are the ones who are out, and we are the ones staying in,  owed in part to this cold I can’t seem to shake. But it’s no big deal, I never cared much for New Year’s Eve anyway. I feel like it’s rookie night. All the prices go up, and the people who never party go out. Not for me, thanks. Give me my pj’s and the quiet. I don’t need the noise and the crowds.

I’ll stay home and watch the recaps. Read about words we don’t want to make it to 2013.. like Yolo (eew) or fiscal cliff. I’ll lament the passing of my treasured light bulbs. I’ll thank the Myans for being wrong. I’ll say a little prayer for all of the innocent children of Sandy Hook and the other victims of terrible, senseless crimes this year ( like Mike’s young cousin Timmy, a murder victim back in Feb of 2012). I’ll continue to think about the people still rebuilding from Super Storm Sandy.

And I’ll praise women like Jennifer Livingston the news anchor who stood up to the bully who called her fat.  ( I blogged about that before here: read on for more..) I’ll be thankful that her words went viral in a matter of hours. I’ll be hopeful that perhaps just one girl will listen. Hopeful that perhaps just one self image of a fragile teen age girl will be saved. Hopeful that maybe 2013 will be the year we can knock social media bullying down a few pegs.

thank you Kevin Brett of Soul Imagery for allowing me to edit this.

And then, because a woman who has walked a mile in my shoes has finally convinced me to stop looking at all things I can’t do and instead celebrate the things I’ve done, I’ll look at what I’ve managed to be a part of in this past year.

2012.. my highlights.

I was somehow able to keep up with my tumble off champ, my All Berks/ All State Player, my Level 7 USA Gymnast who medaled many times, my HS cheerleader/2 time tumble off champ, another NHS member, My Summer Love- (Schuylkill Berks Legion League Berks Co Div Champs )~oh what a season~! , a 2 x Tourny Winning 18Y Berkshire Showcase Team, a permitted driver to a licensed driver. Natalia turned 14 Nick turned 16. Seems impossible. What am I forgetting?

On my birthday I said good bye to the family Jeepster. Jeepster had been a part of our family for nearly a decade. I have yet to replace it.

In 2012 I personally loved a few and lost a few – {my ball buddy ~ “you know what I mean?” },  flew to South Dakota for my first vacation in years, spent 7 whole days with the James Gang & saw my brother get married. Was able to once again participate in Cups of Compassion and feel what it really means to give of one’s self.

Sadly, I’m still learning that no matter what you think, no one or anything is ever truly as it seems and that people can still manage to surprise you even after 40.

I’m thankful for the chances I was given to share my talents this year. I’m so grateful for those who shared theirs with me.

This year I survived another 7 day inpatient coma and 5 outpatient treatments to help control and slow the progression of my 12 year battle with fully body/ internal RSD.

Oh and I started “allsortsofhope.com”.

As far as this life I lead, well, I owe so much of it to you, my friends who helped to keep me in this game called life yet again.

I am grateful for my new audience and as always, treasure my old one.

13 is my lucky number. I have a feeling 2013 is going to be a great year.

Stick around, won’t you?

The Jolly Sort of Hope pt 1.

Ever since I started dating my husband, the last Sunday before Christmas was always one of my favorite days. His mom and step father host a party that is filled with family and food and children. Santa even comes to personally give all the little children their “early drop-offs.” Everyone gets a chance to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what they wish for and/or have their photo taken. For as long as I have been married ( 16years) there has never ever been a shortage of small children in this family. They are the joy of Christmas for me. How wonderful it must feel to be able to host such an event! Sadly this year, for the first time in my life with my husband, I couldn’t even make it to the end of the night. Thank you RSD.

Normally we arrive way before everyone else and stay way past everyone else. It’s time we don’t often get to spend with some of the people at the party. Plus I always felt like I needed to help my MIL as much as I or my family could that day. It’s a huge undertaking for one person. But I’m sure worth every moment once you see the smiles on the children’s faces as they see Santa come down the stairs. Last year I positioned myself perfectly to take pictures of just that. The little children as Santa arrived. Sheer Christmas magic!!

This year I photographed the event with my broken 18-105mm lens. The focus doesn’t always focus and the zoom doesn’t always zoom.  Challenging at best. Like many of my mentors, I don’t shoot with flash. Indoor lighting and I are not the best of friends. That being said, I’m not too terribly disappointed with the results. It can sometimes be like a mini press conference when the children hop on Santa’s lap. But I did get most of the kids as they sat on the guy in the red suit’s lap. Some didn’t stay long enough for my fickle lens. Some did. Some families looked at other people who said “say Cheese” and  sadly you can’t go back and get a do-over.

So as my BFF has been heard to say to her 2 boys ” you get what you get and you don’t get upset.” ~ In any event, I hope no one get’s upset. My in law’s Christmas party never fails to help make me jolly. Holidays are about families and love.

Merry (after) Christmas!

La famiglia~

*do not try this at home*

HOPE and her boy

My MIL and some of the little girls

If everyone is talking, who is listening?

Santa’s helpers: Natalia and Bri

Santa’s Sack (made me giggle~ still a teen I guess)

Mike’s Mom and Step Father

My Mom and Dad. aka The Gump and Gma

The Sort of Hope Who $u<k$ at Basketball

Basketball moves fast. Very fast. Much faster then my broken lens and I were prepared to handle.

Natalia just started her High School cheering season for basketball and I thought I’d give basketball photography a go.

HAHAHAHA. Ya, no.

Indoor lighting + bad lens + fast moving sport = disaster.

However, never being one to back down from a challenge, I am going to learn how to do this by the end of the season. Not master it, mind you ( though that would be amazing, wouldn’t it? ) I am going to learn it. Goal = set.

I came home that night and spent the evening reading everything I could find on what I was doing wrong , and some of what I had done right. Bearing in mind that much of my challenge is a faulty lens.

Many thanks to my secret helper who sent me all the reading I did that night. I won’t disappoint you. I’ll get this.

Normally, I ‘d be much too vain to post photos that I’d consider anything less than good. This time, though, I thought it would be in my best interest to post my baseline. Then I can look back in a month or two and see how far I’d come. I will admit that the majority of what I shot that night was unusable. I was able to salvage a few good shots. Some of which I shared here.

I know my lens won’t fix itself so it’s up to me to do the best I can with the handicap of the broken lens.

I figure, in a way, my camera and I are a bit alike. We both have handicaps that I have to learn how to work around. And so far, though at times they both frustrate the dickens out of me, neither one has really managed to get the best of me. Yet.

Game on.

The #@$!! Sort of Hope

Me at treatment. Day 2.
Au natural. Hot, right?

I was all in a dither today. Started before breakfast. I’m still convalescing so my family takes me at face value right now. However, I really was beside myself today. Treatment not withstanding.

(^ that’s what I look like when I think… )

I opened a catalog ( catazine – that’s the new word?)  and found it to be littered with the F word. No kidding. Products proudly displaying it on their covers. Christmas gifts. Mantle pieces. Wrapping paper that proclaimed ” Merry Christmas B!t)h3S!”

I started to wonder when exactly it was that our society became so accepting of that sort of language, and where is exactly was I ? And are we? Really? Is it OK to say that now in mixed company? Is that no longer considered ‘locker room talk’? Do women walk around dropping F bombs like please and thank you’s? Does anyone even say please and thank you anymore?

Then we took our daughter to get her braces off. We got behind a car with a license plate that announced to any and all who had the misfortune to be traveling behind it that “Mikes tattoo parlor does new ink tattoos and in fact, they F -ing hurt”. (only the word was spelled out properly, if there is such a thing as spelling the f word properly.)

I grew up with the sort of mom who changed the channel when a tampon commercial came on because she felt that that sort of thing wasn’t for the public to see.  All day, I couldn’t imagine my mom seeing that bumper sticker,or that catalog. But I’m sure she has, or things like them.

I’m 43 (no comment) and I still haven’t heard my mother curse but maybe once in my life. Admittedly, my children haven’t had that same experience with their mother. In fact, we even play baseball at a field my kids refer to as “the field where mom cursed.”  That’s a story for another day.

Tonight when we all convened at the dinner table, I asked my kids when exactly it was that the F word became so mainstream, so socially acceptable. They were far too eager to tell me. To set me straight. Make me as progressive as I claim to be.

Apparently curse words are no longer curse words and I , as progressive and free thinking of a mom as I feel I am,  am way old fashioned in my thoughts as they pertain to the English language.  Much to my dismay, I was promptly informed that no one views the F word as a curse word any more. (Except for people above the age of 40 apparently.)  It is as common as saying any other word in the English language. Or so my two teen-aged honor students informed me.

Excuse me, but I always felt like if you needed to fill your sentences with words that were once deemed inappropriate it just made you seem like you had very little to say in the first place and I for one, didn’t want to listen.

Don’t get me started on their music.

Then Nick , wise beyond his 16. 11 years raised a very valid point.

What exactly makes a word “bad”? Why did certain words become “bad” words? Why is the F word a bad word and not, for example “Sprite” or ” laundry” ( <-< disclaimer: laundry *is* a bad word for me.)  When did a word become bad? Was it bad from it’s creation? Who deems them “bad”? And does a word ever truly make it from the bad list to the good list? (like so many children hope to do around this time of year.)

Life Transitions. Society Transitions. Progress.

Which started me on this whole train of other thoughts like how society used to think it was bad to show couples in bed together on TV.  I remember hearing that the Flintstones or the Bradys were like the first to show married couples sleeping in the same bed and that was scandalous. Of course I googled it and found out they weren’t the first. But that’s not the point.

Now, the line is barely drawn at full nudity- in or out of bed , full on sex scenes and it’s not at all considered scandalous. In fact, it’s considered prime time TV.

All these things…the evolution of language , the integration of “the bad words” into our everyday world, the acceptance of all things nude and sexual… it just makes me wonder what is left for the future for our children.

And dammit, that makes just make me mad.

The Return of Hope

“Entertain great hopes” ~ Robert Frost

I’m back!

Hoping to return to our regularly scheduled blogging as soon as am physically able. Will know if treatment worked within a week or so.

In the meantime, I didn’t want to be forgotten. – so here’s a short story .

I always preferred white lights at the Holidays. Thought they were so classic. So clean.

Then, when Nick was about 3 or 4 , he told us that he thought Santa couldn’t find your house unless you had decorated with red lights. You know, to match Rudolph’s nose. So, like every good parent would, we proudly decorated our house inside and out in nothing but hundreds of  red lights. So Santa could find us. ( and prayed every night that no one thought that they were in Amsterdam.) Nick would look out the window  nightly to make sure that “Rudolph’s noses” were on. He was hopeful. We still don’t know where he got that idea, but it certainly has come to be one of our favorites.

We continued that tradition for quite a few years.

We’ve graduated to all colors now, but that is a story that will stay with our family forever. How we joked about our own little Red Light District  and if our toddler would only know what we were doing to appease him.

I suppose those are some of my favorite parts of Christmas.

The traditions, the stories, the families the love, and yes, the hope.

Wishing a very special friend of mine the best of birthdays today! ❤

The Thanks and Giving Sort of Hope

“Nothing says loving like something from the oven. ” ~ How many of us have some love waiting to fly out of our ovens right now?  For that, I am thankful. For the oven, for the electricity, for the family to eat the food and for the food itself.

Wanted to take a moment to express some gratitude to my new found blog friends on this holiday all about Thanks… and giving.

I can’t believe it’s only been about 12 weeks for me since the discovery of this word press world. I am truly grateful for the warm reception. You all have exceeded my expectations of this thing called blogging.  I have discovered some incredible talents around the globe as well, making it even more enjoyable for this gal to rise and shine every morning, and for that, I am also quite thankful. For your continued giving of yourselves, we others are so blessed.

I have had such a wonderful week. I am now officially under one week until my next treatment. So very thankful to all of those who have helped distract me to this point.

I did an incredibly fun photo shoot with my very talented friend Kevin Brett from Soul Imagery. Can’t wait to see the results. Went so far out of my comfort zone. Ditched my stuffy conservative self and even donned some tiger striped spandex and crawled into an antique claw foot cast iron tub! Many thanks to my uber talented big sister Holly James for transforming me from plain jane to something else. ( not sure what?) Very thankful for people like Kevin and my sister who share their talents with me. Willingly.

My oldest has passed his driver’s license test and is now driving on his own. His first trip sans adult driver was a trip to the not so local McDonalds with his sister. Watching your older most prized possession drive your younger most prized possession out of your driveway is a very surreal experience. Watching them drive back in, however, is one of the best feelings in the world. I am thankful for their safety. I will continue this thankfulness every day for the rest of my life.

I saw an incredible sunset this week while I waiting to pick Natalia up from Cheer practice. I am very thankful that I can still see. That there are still sunsets and that I can still take pictures. ( even though this was only a cell photo.) I am thankful for colors so beautiful that it is impossible to miss their glory. I am thankful for things like smart phones that keep me in touch with my friends and family and allow me to take pictures on the fly. What would I do if I couldn’t take pictures 24×7? Or text!

I am thankful for things like cappuccinos, and hugs and kisses, and baseball games and gymnastics and cheer. And children with talents. For children’s laughter and for smiles that light up a room.

I am thankful that I can still get out of bed by myself every day. For whatever amount of time is possible, it sure beats being stuck there all day. And for the days that I am stuck there, I am grateful for really soft sheets and pillows that don’t hurt my ears.

I am thankful that when I told my children to clean out their closets and their drawers because the people who were affected by Hurricane Sandy lost everything and needed clothes, that my children didn’t miss a beat. I am thankful that they understand Giving. Many teenagers these days simply don’t .

We have had a tradition of “Giving” on Thanksgiving since my children were little. I always made them pick a few toys that they were willing to part with for the Children’s Home or another charity. I always wanted them to understand how to be Thankful for what they did have.

I am thankful for so very many things – friends, family, LOVE, patience and understanding, but I promised myself this wouldn’t become “one of those” blogs.. and I fear it’s starting to become that.

Happy Thanks and Giving my online friends.

~ Remember  ” There is always, always something to be thankful for” ~ I think that’s an Annon. It’s a long time fav. ❤

The Progressive Sort of Hope

Let’s talk about Social Media.

I’m in a bit of a heated debate with someone right now about Social Media and children, specifically teens…

When I was pregnant with my now 16 year old son, I sold homepages to companies. Imagine if you will, a world not familiar with this thing called The Intenet. It was not quite 2 decades ago. These large companies I was calling to offer an internet presence to had never even heard of this thing called “The Internet”. Back then the only people with email addresses were college students, Libraries and some very large companies. I remember a collegue and close friend of mine trying to sell a home page to a very respected retailer when the CEO told her ” No one will ever buy anything over this thing called ‘the internet.” I’d imagine he would like to eat those words now. He probably didn’t have that title for very long, either.

Shortly (in relevant terms) after the Internet was born , Facebook was created. Then Twitter and things like Instagram, etc. New and fascinating pieces of Social Media are being born for this world to enjoy (or not) practically every day. Along with Social Media, come the ways to use that media. Laptops and Smart phones, iPods and iPads. I know my children, especially my daughter and her friends document practically every moment of their day with their Smartphone. Photos of her and her friends and their daily movements are plentiful. Heck, they even take pictures of their conversations!

My kids, who live in the same house, saying goodnight to each other. Natalia kept a screen shot of their conversation.

To that end, it is my contention that Social Media is here to stay. I take the stance that rather than deny kids access to things like the Internet  and it ‘s offerings ie: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc , it is our job as parents/adults to teach them how to handle such things. We need to teach them how to deal with the ramifications of their behavior on said sites and how to use them wisely.  It is our responsibility to teach them that whatever is posted today, will be there in their tomorrows.

I have come to learn that not everyone shares these views and some people close to me believe that it is better to shelter the children from these things. Lock them away, if you will. Deny them the right to use them. I fear that doing so will only harm the kids and make it worse for them once they reach the age that we are no longer in control of their actions. I feel as though behavior like that is as antiquated as the dial phone.  

Social media is a part of everything we do these days. We can order our dinners, select our new clothes, even turn on our lights, start our cars and control the environment of our homes all in an instant and all within one or two clicks of a mouse or swipe of a finger. I think that we are foolish to think that our children should not be involved in that world.

If someone bullies my child in the Social Media world, rather than yank my child from that world to shelter and protect them,  it should be my job to teach my child how to handle it. To give my child confidence and strength. To teach them what to do about it and provide them with the valuable lesson that bullying is never ok, whether it’s a spoken or a written word.

A big part of being a teen is pushing and testing limits. When we were teens I am fairly certain ( if failing memory serves) we cursed, we complained and we teased. The difference being,  it was probably in our best friend’s basement or in the school yard. It wasn’t visible for the world to see. Now, it’s available  for all of our “friends” to see AND to comment on 24/7.  (Friending- a whole other blog I can’t wait to write…) I suppose that’s the incredibly big difference. We could shut the world off and go to sleep, safe in the comfort of our homes and away from the constant drama.  But our children can’t . It never goes away for them and it is up to us as parents to set their limits and to educate these children how to balance real/tangible life *and* their Social Medial lives that they live “in” their Smartphones.

How can we expect our children to evolve into successful adults unless we provide them with the experiences and tools that allow them to grow, to succeed and yes, to feel hurt and also to fail?  (The real world is not always a positive place, as much as we wish it were so.) Maybe once upon a time those experiences happened on a playground, but now those life lessons sometime happen in a laptop or on a Smartphone. These devices are every bit as much a part of their world now, too. Rather than shelter them from it, I want to allow my children every opportunity to learn from these new worlds that I can.  And just as their world around them is changing so,  I believe, are the roles of  their parents.

I feel as though denying our children access to these amazing ever evolving things like Social Media and Smartphones would be denying them , as well as ourselves access to the  future and I for one , am too excited about the future to do that.

Your thoughts?

This pics from May of 09. Couldn’t find any other pics of me or the children on the computer. Best I could do. I need to take some random pics for this blogging thing, it would seem.